To Denis O’Brien On Announcement of His Plan To Donate Own Corpse To Museum of Himself , by Kevin Higgins

“Irish media, fearing lawsuits, steers clear of billionaire.” New York Times

In Sunday’s special edition to mark this
sacrificial act of philanthropy
the elderly historian, who came free
with the newspaper group
you bought yourself last Christmas,
looks out over spectacles she inherited
from her great-grandmother
and balms your most sensitive bits
with enough coconut oil
to make Bounty bars for the entire
population of China.

Because of your rare and exceptional generosity
future ex-Presidents of the United States
(and their mistresses) will be able
to play crazy golf
with your immensely valuable
eyeballs; your delicious belly
will be a bouncy castle
for the children of morbidly
obese journalists;

your skin, in all its glorious
pinkness, will be stretched out into
a vast tarpaulin above the main marquee
beneath which the envelopes that need
to be exchanged
can be; your hair will be cared for with
chemicals until it’s an enormous
all-encompassing rug on which
the ex-wives of the wealthy
can have relations
with anatomically correct replicas
of the late Silvio Berlusconi,
and as they do so
give sweaty
thanks

for how, having first fatally
besmirched bribery’s good name
you went on to forever damage
censorship’s, until then,
excellent reputation;

ground democracy down
until it was little enough to fit
in a test-tube so tiny
you had it specially made and imported
tax free from Malta.

KEVIN HIGGINS

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