By Connor Kelly
Jobcentre Plus Brings Claimants to their Knees
New reforms mean that the British unemployed will now be advised to go into sex-work by their DWP advisers on threat of sanctions. Secretary of Spite and Illuminaughty Overlord Iain Duncan Smith said this was part of the “Get Britain Working Again” programme. Claimants will now have to prove they are totally incapable of sex-work before an exemption will be made. Paraplegics, the criminally insane, and those in a coma are all thought to be “capable of some sort of sex-work.” Local JCPs will be giving free courses on fellatio technique and how to update your CV from Tuesday. Although local sex-work advocacy groups have protested the move claiming it will destroy the industry, IDS was totally unmoved. “The new reforms will be rolled out over the next five years. By 2020 we hope to have children as young as 13 working again,” he said.
Joan Burton Returns to Home Planet
In light of the recent announcement of the Irish general election, Tainiste Joan Burton has made public her decision to return to her home planet, Thatcheron. Rumours have circulated for years that Burton was a neo-liberal space alien but had, until yesterday, remained unverified. Last year a racy video was released online which appeared to show her removing her skin – some have postulated this is a “human suit” – to reveal what seemed to be a fully functioning black hole suspended in some sort of compact parallelogram simulator thingy.
Burton today confirmed the rumours in a Labour Party press conference. At first, journalists couldn’t understand what she was saying screaming “Stop! Stop!” when her utterances were of such a pitch as to render some unconscious. After adjusting her sonic screwdriver Burton continued, “I have to tell you, the rumours are true. I am a void with human skin who visited this planet with aims of total subjugation. Because of certain unforeseen variables in the event horizon, I was in fact not capable of total planetary domination, and so only rose to second in command of this vile little island inhabited by muck people. Now, even they don’t like me anymore…ungrateful bastards.” When the Tainiste was asked if Enda Kenny was also a Black Hole masquerading as a human, Burton said, “no, no, he’s just a wanker.” She then uttered a series of binary instructions and her “human suit” collapsed into itself at the podium.
Junior Doctors will be “shot”
Across the water, in the cheerful island of Brighton, health secretary Jeremy Hunt has announced his intention to “impose” new contracts on junior doctors, hoping to bring an end to a long running industrial dispute with the BMA. Under the new terms, junior doctors will be required to take hourly shots of methamphetamine in order to increase productivity. “Yes, it is true that tired doctors make mistakes,” said Hunt with a concilia-Tory tone, “but these new amendments to the contracts rule out the possibility of having sleepy doctors again, ever.” The contracts also include the caveat that if A&E departments become overcrowded, doctors will be required to euthanize all “defunct” patients over the age of 10. Although the BMA have vowed to continue the fight against what it calls the “unjust and unjustifiable” contracts, a leaked memo from Jeremy Hunt’s office stated his intention to come down hard on further protests. “Shoot them. Shoot them like partridges,” it read.
The Token Environmental Story
As humanity merrily marches towards the precipice of utter destruction, David Cameron announced the creation of a new Minister for Mass Extinction in the person of Boris Johnson. Although the challenges facing humanity are thought to be “grave,” “bleak,” and “bloody hopeless” the PM said that Brighton, as a nation, is more than capable of rising to the challenge. In his first move as Minister for Mass Extinction, Mr. Johnson is thought to be helping the Minister for Recycling with her paperwork. Jeremy Corbyn welcomed the move but said, “I only wonder if the minister is actually committed to mass extinction, or is just saying it to look cool.”
The Science Story at the End
Scientists have announced the discovery “gravitational waves,” which are ripples in space-time. They seemed very pleased with themselves, especially the American ones. The source of these waves is thought to be either the collision of two black holes sometime in the distant past, or the fallout from Joan Burton arriving back on Thatcheron 3 billion years ago. Scientists expect a conclusive answer by 2100.