By Connor Kelly
Feel the Bern
Donald Trump. The name conjures up a multitude of images, many of them involving small mammals being crushed with a nutcracker by an insane New York billionaire. When I see his sweaty-shiny off-kilter face, I think of Dennis Hopper’s character from David Lynch’s Blue Velvet. Donald Trump is Frank Booth. Trump is an Id machine, churning out all the perverse desires of the American right. He is a man so internationally despised that an internationally despised man – The Pope – has even taken to denouncing him.* Hilary Clinton. Again, so many conflicting thoughts. One thinks simultaneously of womanhood, equality, minority rights and dead children. A stench of sulphur drifts on the wind, miles of burning trees line the equal opportunities highway and death is raining from the non-binary sky. Hilary Clinton. Bernie Sanders. This name also conjures up many images, but the one that most readily springs to mind is that of an oul’ woman from the Bogside in Derry who sells buns. Bernie Sanders. But Bernie is not some benign old woman from Derry, oh no. Bernie Sanders is a socialist. And today he became front-runner for the democratic nomination.
His insane policy proposals like making college tuition free, and creating jobs that pay the living wage have been applauded by the American public to the great confusion of the “experts” on CNN. The American press seem to think the country has gone mad – how could the ignorant bovine masses be so stupid?! Demanding free health care and education instead of more guns – ungrateful shits!
However, the one great obstacle that stands in the way of Sanders’ Democratic nomination is that he has chosen the singularly most repulsive slogan in American political history: “Feel the Bern.” What in God’s name does this mean? In a certain accent it could be asking you to put your hand in the fire and stroke it. But mostly, it seems to incite you to grope a 74 year old senator. I hear Barry White whispering it in my ear, “Feel the Bern, baby. Yeah, feel it.” This becomes even more confused whenever my image of him is that of an elderly Derry woman who sells buns. Though apparently it’s catching, as the Labour Party today announced Corbyn’s campaign slogan for the local elections will be, “Feel the Jerm.”
David Cameron is in late stage negotiations over Europe. He says he is “battling for Britain,” which is reportedly the same thing he said before he inserted his penis into the mouth of a dead pig – no, we haven’t forgotten Dave. Cameron wants to get a good deal for Britain, which by his standards will probably mean selling the entirety of Britain’s unborn fetuses to Angela Merkel for experimentation in return for being allowed to throw refugees into the sea. And he wants us all to stay in Europe, because Europe is bloody brilliant.
In the last few weeks, what’s become interesting in the referendum debate is that many self-declared leftists have been extolling the virtues of the EU and making the case that we should “stay in.” “Human rights,” they cry, “Free movement.” In such instances I can but remind them of a little country on the corner of Europe known as Greece. In Greece the supposedly sacred European value of “human rights” was abolished entirely. They couldn’t afford it, you see – bloody scroungers. Democracy was also abolished, being out of their price range. But what’s that got to do with the price of bread? On this same little corner of Europe, hundreds of thousands of refugees, fleeing bombs (many of which were constructed in EU countries) are being denied the privilege of “free movement.” Apparently they can’t afford it either.
The European institutions are tyrannous bureaucratic hulks, controlled by their Central Bank, and – as should be clear to readers in Ireland – will do absolutely anything, including the denial of sovereignty in order to preserve their ability to reproduce themselves. The European Union does not have your interests at heart. Its interests are the interests of European capital.
The Way of the Dodo
After extensive negotiations in Davos, County Monaghan this week, world leaders have agreed a policy framework for the immediate future. The document, enigmatically entitled “The Way of the Dodo” has been published by Faber and Faber and is also available on the World Leaders’ website www.existentialcrisis.com. Extracts from Section 2 – “Towards Philosophical Hegemony and Total Domination – Phase 1,” includes the enlightening, “Like the Dodo of old, remain passive in the face of destruction. Think positive.” Expert philosopher-man Reginald Double-Barrel told us it was “very Wittgenstein, or something,” and represents a great shift in the philosophical underpinnings of international politics. The section on the potentiality of near future global conflicts is entitled; “Run Towards the Gunshots,” and explains in detail why our destiny is to destroy ourselves in a thermo-nuclear war. The document ends with a brief summary, “Mass Extinction: Aims and Objectives” and a restating of their mission statement, “Life is meaningless. Death is the only way.” Commentators are optimistic that this time, we’ll get real change from the deal.
*Someone asked me earlier is the Pope really was an “internationally despised man.” For clarification, I have actively despised the Pope in several different countries, on two continents.