The perfect candidate for the position

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He greets you, and you feel as if
you’ve just shaken hands with a fish.
He doesn’t come through doors
in the normal way,
but slithers in underneath them.

To understand him properly
you must translate his words
into pig Latin and shout them
down a chimney backwords,
until you have to be
sedated for your own safety.

In his sexual heyday
the mere sight of him loosening his tie
used to make women ascend the spire
on top of the town’s favourite
insurance company, and hang there
precariously, throwing
occasional roof-tiles at passers-by. ​

These days, he mostly invests
wisely in long term capital projects:
a PhD each for his son and daughter
(maturing circa Twenty Thirty);
the upkeep of his fiancé’s face.

KEVIN HIGGINS is The Bogmans Cannon Satirist-in-Residence

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